rattle it around
infant in motion and sense
seems okay
oh this is fun
it makes so much noise
gnaw on it
gummed up and wet
and then
before you know how to realize
you outgrow it.
I need to make a life for myself. weeks like these leave me feeling empty, though I am not empty. I feel unhappy and happy. Sane and wise, and fucking mental. Desperate.
Too much time on my hands. Not enough paint and dirt. Not enough calluses. Not enough bothersome cries for “mommy.” Not enough people to take care of. to forget about myself. Not enough.
I hardly make excuses to act. I hardly make excuses to not act. I’m barely trying.
swallowing a pulse
throbbing hard in my throat
washing it down
aftertaste of anger
for what
I wonder
its not like it matters
gaps in time
forgetting your place
friends become
strangers
strange
we don’t
know
one another
anymore
let it be.
(Source: iwriteandiwriteandiwrite,com)
I hope it rains the day we wed
I hope we walk in it until nightfall covers the land
I hope we continue walking, holding hands
I hope the rain water washes us clean
I am starting a new life with you
I hope we feel a sense of rebirth
I hope that we feel changed.
I miss talking and writing I miss not thinking too much I miss being around large groups of people without feeling like I am going to throw up and oh my god I am so weird and Why does no one else look like they want to run away? I wonder if Im mental again I work more and do less for myself and it hurts every morning to wake up and not have lived more Why am I always quick to panic when someone comes over while Im writing something? Now I lost my focus
I love chocolate so much its seriously a drug but it isnt exactly without consequence my teeth ache and Im growing a more noticeable stomach bulge Im about to get married One month from today I cannot be fat on my wedding day And I am not fat I aim to relieve myself of what Im thinking because without bitching I cant stop thinking it I am starting to smoke more too Oral fixation
great.
back arches, perfect, yeah
for carrying all that weight
life gets heavy
gotta get comfortable
holding your own.
There is no greater feeling
than love
when it comes in waves
of many fashions
when you fit right in it
like the puzzle pieces click
the picture wasn’t painted
to look beautiful,
this time, it just is.
Sense of self
I have felt like
I had one, a different one
a new one, an unsure one
Over and over
I would re-discover
I had no true sense of anything.
Its frightening when
you’re unsure of yourself
after feeling so confident
that you know who you are
the lines blur
it doesn’t make me
even with a valid
uncertainty of reality
I guess I have been lost
and can only see it
for what it is now that I’m found.
After manic, panic
I still feel the welling
of sorrow, at the end of the day
by 7 PM
I’m ready for a good cry
I can’t shake it.
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I write and I... by Diamond Farah Deckman is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at iwriteandiwriteandiwrite.tumblr.com.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://diamondfarah.tumblr.com.
